December, December!

Let's end 2009 already. I don't want to blame 23 for being sucky, maybe that would be unfair, but 2009. 2009 I am perhaps over.

Though this weekend was good. Fast. But good.

Friday I got my first promotion in my life. Is it a promotion when you have to interview for it? Well, long story I would never be able to move up in the program I was on (and am on for 5 more days) and I never felt it was the place for me, so up up and away I go, onto a real start in marketing and a food allowance on the weekends. Hello, dessert with lunch!

Saturday I crewlead for the first time with FoT, and by crewlead I mean assistant crew lead, and by that I mean I wore a bright orange vest and stood around pretending I was important when I was really just hanging out with my friend from training and laughing with him while standing mere feet away from Alex during our huddle. Weird. I've already helped plant 18 trees this season :o)

Jackie got in, I learned lots of people in our alumni group have climbed some of the bigger mountains out here so we decided we may as well all climb Hood together, RSM holiday party I was invited to last minute (I'm a real person!), snowshoeing today, Hopworks with the roomies...

I keep telling people how excited I am to be single and just have time to figure myself out. I really believe this, but I hope it's not just because I've been repeating it so much. Even without a boyfriend I still don't feel like I have enough time to do near all the things I want to do. And my list of books on "freeze" at the library keeps growing...

Speak of, I need to turn this computer off and read. I hate how I get sucked into the computer every night.

Sometimes I wonder why I don't just "throw it all away" and spend my days wandering the Wild West. It's all a balancing act, filled with irrelevant choices that I am somehow preoccupied with: but what about this dresser project I am going to work on? What about my brand new mattress? What about the carpel tunnel I may acquire in the years to come?

I should say fuck it all and live by the seat of my pants, but something about that seems like jumping off the cliff into Crater Lake-- I think about it too long it loses its spontaneity, I finally jump..but what have I really gained besides a picture, a good story to tell people, and having to hike back up wearing wet underwear? Ok, bad analogy.

The Laura2010 plan...I need to work on this. And I should try to cease saying "I don't know" or doing the literary equivalent and over-abundantly utilizing ellipses.

Fuck. Can I go just one paragraph without a red squiggly line reminding me of my spelling inadequacies? Oh, and you better believe that last one definitely had a red squiggly. But it turns out I finally learned how to spell definitely (this is a recent development, sadly).

After hiking today, Alex and I came across a scrawled sign that said "glass blowing demonstration". We followed the arrows and stumbled into a crazy little house with a semi-crazy dude rocking out and blowing glass. We were his only visitors today so far (according to the guest book) and it was...neat that this guy was so into it and really appeared to want people to come watch (the signs, the guest book, the movie theater style chairs). He said it's sort of a weekend thing for him. I try to shove everything and anything into my weekends and lack focus. I sometimes feel as though I'll never be able to fully commit to anything. Anyone. Any hobby. Any long trip. Instead of quality I suppose I chase quantity, often, as that is how I measure quality? Except it's not quality...

Uh oh.

It's so hard to figure out what I really want to do for some reason. I don't think I'll find it for quite some time, but I should at least be able to stick to some hobbies, complete art projects, or follow through on things I say I want to do. I want to try and experience everything, as in many ways I am much like a kid, and definitely full of childlike-wonder. Sitting in an office is like a kid being trapped in a boring daycare, stunting my mental growth
and lacking inspiration.

My interview is tomorrow. Double uh oh.

Again. Glad I am single. I want some time to "date myself" HAHA no really-- I want to get to know who I am and focus on myself instead of learning about someone else then sort of somehow losing part of my identity in his hobbies. I need to be able to take inspiration and not just be amazed by it, but do something with it.

I am feeling hopeful. Tomorrow I have a good bagel for breakfast, good chili for lunch, and an interview for a promotion I know I can get at three.

Three wineries, two breweries (one brewery tour), two hikes, one impromptu glassblowing demo (!!!), one AMAZING thxgiving meal, one free visit to the art museum, one chili cookoff, and lots of sleep later I feel my weekend was successfully salvaged.

My computer and my fan are both really jankety. When both of their jankety-ness goes at once (they both rattle) it sort of hurts my brain to deal with them.

I'm not sure what the point of that line was, and I'm not sure what the point of this line is to say that I didn't know what the point of line was.

What?

I am totally in a rut, but at least I am starting to feel like I am maybe starting to get what I am supposed to get even though I haven't really started yet. Or something.

Man, I am cryptic tonight..

It sounds absolutely miserable outside (rain, wind, etc.) so I am safely tucked away in my bed with the covers pulled up drinking some blueberry tea.

[20 minutes later]

Oh, hai. That's about it.


I guess it's sorta lonely in a way-- no one is really online. And, yeah. It's kinda lonely that Alex isn't on gchat. Yup.

I'm not sure looking back ever helps.

STFU, DOG. Seriously. When I find out which neighbor has the dumb yappy dog that is barking 90% of the time, I will perhaps be forced to go up to their door and say something.

OH. MY. GOSH. I am aggressively pursuing a cheap dresser to make my own (think along the lines of this or this but less pink. And they did surprise inside pop colors. I'm either going to paint the drawers fun colors and add fun handles, or get fun paper (there are so many fun paper places in PDX) but CHEAP ($10) DRESSERS ARE HARD TO COME BY.

Which leads me to my OMG day. I went garage-sailing (not sale-ing or saling- - "sailing") and got:

x) really cool circly fabric with my colors that i am going to perhaps use for the interior of this pattern  withhhh
x) my FREE sewing machine!!! ahhhhh~ I've been looking at these cheap beginner sewing machines, and I still may wind up with one, but there was this free old Singer sitting out at this garage sale. I bought the circle fabric from this chick, asked her about the machine, and she made it sound like it probably needed work..so I passed on it. But then I was walking down the street and I decided I would never forgive myself if I at least didn't take this thing and TRY to fix it up. So sometime soon I will be going to the sewing shop to have them diagnose it for me. 
x) then I went to this other garage sale down in Sellwood and it turns out these people are ceramic people. So they had all these crazy cool mugs for $1. YES, $1. Wow. Not only do I need mugs (so. much. tea.), but that's so awesome that they were wheel thrown right here in town and were originally selling for $15 (there was an old tag on the one) and now they are $1.
x) and THEN I found the boxes of glass/mosaic stuff for $1. I really almost passed out right there. I almost ordered some glass online the other day-- glass is $5 a sheet + shipping. But I got sheets and sheets and sheets of every color ever for $1. AND they had these pre-cut perfect circle ones. WHAT???? I gave them a little extra because I honestly felt like I was robbing these people blind.
x) and then I got a free plant. Now I own approximately...20 plants (not all are in Oregon). WHEE!! 

So in case you decided to skip all that (honestly, I would) long story short I think this is all a sign I should get back in to crafting. This past week at work I have been hard-core eyeing sewing machines, checking out glass prices, and I just bought a glass nipper....but I was a little weary on how much my hobbies are starting to cost (backpacking/mt climbing, sewing and mosaics, travelling, internet browsing and my Gateway is on its last leg and I fancy Macs...). 

And I had my first grapefruit of the season for breakfast!

I don't know why, but that all equates to a great day :o)

Happy birthday, Chris.

Green tea, Ray LaMontagne, and no one else at work right now. Speak of work, the pre-selected away message I choose to put up right now says "spacing out." Yesssss.

I just got some mail where this guy wrote notes alll over his application in caps ("yelling") at us....STFU. Seriously. Do you not want your money? Why be mean when you have no reason to?? Thanks, asshole. You almost ruined my morning (which was just saved by figuring out the "BAGEL" setting on the toaster solves my breakfast dilemas).


Oh wait...I don't recall what I was really going to update about.

 Hot cereal (apple cinnamon), hot tea (Bengal spice), and Scrabble while sitting at the breakfast bar and listening to Radiohead.

Very nice. I guess this is the closest I am going to come to the whole coffee shop thing for a while.



I feel like I'm starting to come into a position of control. the key with many things is not being available. How funny. 



for a minute there i lost myself, i lost myself...

Sometimes, in small moments of clairvoyance, I realize the overall and underlying relationship issues between myself and Alex. This is a "big" thing for me, I suppose, because I guess in a way I've always struggled between letting people in/not letting people in, and then finding a balance of how I am affected when relationships are terminated. It sounds sort of cold to say, but I think it's some sort of unknown formula in my brain that is warping everything into these (now becoming) recognizable patterns.

So things either move forward (get worked out), or they stand still (repeat). It could work with Alex, and I'm really starting to get it together that I need to get it together, just with everything in my life, and that this is something that will take some time and work and real effort on my end. However, I can't control anyone else's end. And as far as I know, he will never want to work on his end with me. It probably is me. What reasons did I give him to make him think I was something besides a depressed, bummed out, always complaining about work or remissing about Chris girl? Nothing. So I get what I deserved. And maybe I like to fool myself into believing if we were really meant to be then he would have been able to look past that and find the person underneath. But I was drowing too much. Fo' sho.

I forget where I was going with this. I guess it's a matter of finding not only the right people to date, but the right time. Time's a bitch, and so am I. But, honestly, I don't think I'll be ready or mature enough to date someone seriously for a long time. And why bother investing all this time and energy in someone if you're not going to do it right?

 Oh. And I realized today that I have been contributing WAY more to my 401k in the past 11 months than I meant to. Following my dad's advice ("you can become a millionare by the time you retire") just doesn't sound as fun as going on fun trips now while I'm youthful. And can walk without assistance from a cane or walker with tennis balls glued on the bottom. And can see and hear things. So, we (myself and I?)  toned it down to a more normal but still pretty high contribution.

HELLO, MORE MONEY THAT JUST ENTERED MY POCKET.
Nice to meet you. Let's run off to Brazil together.

Yoga. Ordered thai. Drank wine. Watched Sex and the City. Now I'm listening to the Avett Brothers, "When I drink." Talked to Alex online. Read old journals about Chris and Alex.

Best lunch break ever: It's 64 and sunny out. And clear. I got chippers (mini cookies) from the bakery and walked down to the waterfront, where I had awesome views of Mt. Hood, which recently got a ton of snow so it looks really pretty and sticks out more now. And I smiled walking around. I don't remember the last time I just...smiled...you know?

Ahhhh.

My twenty third Halloween, and I am home sick. In a way, I am partly relieved because it is somehow easier to sit in by myself than try to meet new people and drink, drink, drink and being sick, sick, sick offers me that excuse. Since when did this become difficult? It's probably not near as much as I make it.

NaNoWriMo starts at midnight. I just flat out don't know what to write about. The thought of attempting fiction right now freaks me out, but writing something based on my own life is perhaps...freakier. Mostly because the part where I have to choose an ending for myself, even if it's a fake ending. The more I bitch about my job to different people, the more I am understanding that I really should just cut the whole thing off. I really need to take a year off and get things done, for myself. What's my definition of things? We'll see.

I can't think coherent thoughts. Bed.

 Facebook just suggested I make life better for Tyler (of Tyler and Greece) by writing on his wall.

HAHAHAHHAHAHA.

Last night in an act of catharsis inspired by my terrible, terrible computer virus I was forced to part with all of the photos on my computer. Ahhh, memories. Now what's funny is I sometimes enjoy the thought of the memories, or the memories/pictures of the memories more than the moment in time itself. Damn, I'm far too nostalgic. Regardless, the photos are gone, besides what I chose to put on Facebook. Chris is gone. Freshman, sophomore, junior, and senior years are gone.

Andrew and I had a conversation earlier pertaining to events of the past and how I still cannot live in the moment. I don't know what my problem is, but I'm always thinking forward or backwards to a point of time that I have absolutely no control of as I mull over whatevr issue is circulating like an oscillating fan on high throughout my brain. It sucks. I don't know how to stop it. Andrew knows a lot about me in a ways. I sometimes wish I liked him like that, but I like him how he is, and how we are is fine. He knows he's a rare breed, and he will have no trouble finding cute girls. But why am I talking about Andrew? This is weird. His point is I think too much and I'm far too awkward. Too true.

In other news...any hope of the new job/promotion opening up has been shot to shit. Seriously? After all this I get this massively dicked over?? And they send out an email that we CANNOT listen to music/videos at work. Soooooo the only reason I am here today is because I have a shitton to spend on health insurance crap lately-- I can no longer see without glasses, meaning it's time to try to shove contacts in my eyes once again, the results of my dentist appointment last Wednesday were less than stellar, and apparently I may need to see a physical therapist. Sometimes I just want to cry-- life is a giant pain in the ass and I can't even enjoy the good moments. I need to go back to school. Or something. Something to save my soul.

I have no motivation.

 

Oh, the glorious twenties.

I suck on my Nalgene bottle of water to cure a slight hangover much like an infant. I don't think I'm near as reckless as I sometimes feel I am. All I did was play four games ping pong, drink five beers, and let a guy who makes me laugh (hard) kiss me because...well...maybe it was an experiment to get over...whoever I need to get over lately. Maybe I just want to have some fun. Who knows. Regardless, here I am in the office-- my eye bags and greasy hair quite prominent features of my frumpy ensamble that projects my feelings of untogetherness to the world. Perhaps it's a muted cry for someone to adopt me and show me the ways of society. At least my jacket is cute.

I have plans for the weekend. The other week at the BTA party I met a couple people and we got each other's numbers incase we wanted to hang out. The girl called yesterday and asked if I wanted to go out for drinks for a girls night thing on Friday. Ok. And the team is going to Sauvie Island. And Saturday is apparently my decade anniversary date with Keri.

The dentist yesterday....lets not talk about it. Long story short I'm going to have to drop a lot of money on something really dumb.

Uh, end.


(thank you for the pretty icons, querita)

I moved this weekend. It was one of the more easier moves I've ever had, and it's only the second time I've had to move a mattress. I rented a truck, in which Alex so graciously put in his name (because my lack of being 5 months older made it more expensive) AND drove around town for me. I just tossed everything in...annnnd that was pretty much it. Alex carried all the heavy stuff. I took him out to a nice dinner last night at the Laurelhurst Market (deeelicious burger).

Alas, now I live in a really awesome, hip part of town with lots of nice inspiration in a really cute awesome craftsman style house with roomates who seem to have their shit together and we have a backyard SCORE.

I'm glad Alex and I broke up, I really am. We were sorta talking earlier about how he wants to join this organization that he told me a while ago but told me he wasn't interested in joining it. So I was going to check into joining it and maybe probably do that but now he may join and...long story short I maybe doubt for the first time just a little bit that we may not even work out as friends. I've got so much stuff to get together with...well, everything.

I hate work. One hour and 13 minutes left. I hate slumping my life away.

Man, I just looked at a picture of Chris and sometimes I think it's so unfair, but it was his choice and it's unfair he involved me, but his life to him has to trump his life to everyone else, right?

And there I go again...no matter how pumped up I get about being excited I just get so down on everything. I still blame work. And living in a place where quitting is virtually impossible...